The positive approach would remove some of
the sting from the reservist’s answer. Here are two
possibilities:
Better:
Better:
Given the results of your physical
examination, we must transfer you to
the Retired Reserve.
In light of your physical examination
and the need to administer the
examination program fairly, we have
decided in favor of your transfer to
the Retired Reserve.
When writing a letter to inform someone of
negative information, stress some positive aspects
about the person or the situation. For example,
the writer of the preceding letter to the reservist
could have opened by acknowledging the favor-
able endorsements that accompanied the request
to stay on active duty. The writer could have
closed by thanking the reservist for his or her time
of service. This tactful arrangement would have
helped to soften the bad news.
In writing, give your ideas no more words than
they deserve. The longer you take to say things,
the weaker you come across and the more you risk
blurring important ideas. You must suspect
wordiness in everything you write. When you
revise, tighten paragraphs to sentences, sentences
to clauses, clauses to phrases, phrases to words,
words to pictures, or strike the ideas entirely. To
be easy on your readers, you must be hard on
yourself.
No phrases hurt naval writing more than it is
and there is or there are. They stretch sen-
tences, delay meaning, hide responsibility, and
encourage passive verbs. Avoid using these
phrases.
NOT
BUT
It is requested
We request, please
It is my intention
I intend
It is necessary that you
You need to; you must
There is a serial number A serial number is on
on the letter.
the letter.
There are several files
Several files are
missing.
missing.
Example: It is mandatory that all active-duty
personnel receive flu vaccinations.
Better:
Example:
Better:
All active-duty personnel must
receive flu vaccinations.
There will be a meeting of the
Human Relations Council at 1000
on 26 July in the main conference
room.
The Human Relations Council will
meet at 1000 on 26 July in the main
conference room.
Wordy expressions don’t give writing
impressive bulk; they clutter it by getting in the
way of the words that carry meaning. Here are
some repeat offenders:
NOT
BUT
for the purpose of
for, to
in accordance with
by, following, per,
under
in order to
to
in the event that
if
in the near future
soon
Wordy expressions dilute the meaning of the
sentences in the next examples:
Example:
Better:
In accordance with reference (b),
you may pay the claim with a check
in the amount of 0.
Under reference (b), you may pay
the claim with a check for 0.
Words ending in -ion and -ment are verbs
turned into nouns. Whenever the context permits,
change these words to verb forms. By favoring
verb forms, your sentences will be shorter and
livelier.
Example:
Better:
Example:
Improved:
Better:
Use that format for the prepara-
tion of your command history.
Use that format to prepare your
command history.
The development of an effective
system depends on three factors.
Developing an effective system
depends on three factors.
An effective system depends on
three factors.
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